a letter to you

i love you

and i know that you're going to look at me and tell me that that's not so because it's too soon, but it is. i love people, not because i get all caught up in the flowers and the presents and being able to say "oh yes, he is my boyfriend." i love people because they deserve to be cherished. they deserve to be held when they're sad or they're happy or they just don't know. they deserve to be heard and spoken to with kindness. i love people because to like them never seems good enough. and i chose to love you because regardless of what you've chosen. i don't just mean that you've introduced me to new things and made me more adventurous but you've made me love gently and whole-heartedly. you've opened me up in a way that no one has accomplished before and at least I shud be grateful for that.

i can't come see you and spend the day because it will never be enough for me. because i too am a person and i deserve more love than you are ready to give and that's okay. i won't suddenly hate you for that or love you any less. i won't stop being there for you or stop holding you when you're sad or happy or you just don't know. i just can't stop loving myself less to make you feel like this is enough. you can't love someone halfway. so in loving both you and myself fully, it's my turn to choose and it hurts my heart to say it, but i will not stay and watch you tear yourself apart from the inside out. i cannot stay while i feel you trying to force me out of your mind to make leaving easier. one day soon, you will have to go and i was prepared for that. i was prepared to say goodbye because i knew that leaving was something that we had discussed, but you've been leaving since the day you brought this up. you've been packing away the memories and storing them in a dark corner of your mind. you've been repacking your heart for fear of it being damaged on the journey.

i understand all of this, because i've been there, but having to say inevitable goodbyes has taught me to live here, in the present, every single moment of the day. so i'm not thinking of months from now. i'm not thinking about how i'll feel two months and one day from now or six months from now or a year from now. i'm only thinking of this very moment, of holding you just like this, right now. i'm thinking about how much this hurts like hell but how worth it everything up to this exact second has been. i'm thinking about how beautiful you are to me and for me, that much is enough