dear friend

I'm still praying to a God I'm not totally convinced in that you'll find your way home. That you'll walk in from this longwinded joke; a sideways grin overtop your apology.

I hate how longwinded you've let this joke get.

I hate how the last time I saw you I cut it short to go read a book when I should have gone down to the ocean with you.

I hate how people use past tense to talk about your smile now. How your embraces were enough to turn a bad day into something magic. How your laugh was the centerpiece in a crowded room.

Everyday is full of you, but it's an empty-full. You left, and yet, I'm not sure how to rid of you from everything I see and touch and hear.

You left and we're all trying to live without the sun but it's gotten a little too cold to bear.

Please come home now.

I have never been good with goodbyes.

I felt how I imagined it would when I left: nothing. "Goodbye forever" on my lips. I've joked around with words like that, but he's the first person I've meant them to.

We knew this from the start: end of november. We knew the inevitable forever-goodbye would be coming. So when I said those words and walked out, I felt the nothingness I had prepared myself to feel.

I wasn't prepared to feel the way I did after, though.

A feeling, so raw and... so terrible sad. A surprise of emotion. I guess it hit me, differently, when I realized it was real. When I realized I that my half-hearted hug and his forehead kiss were the last exchange we would ever have. A pathetic ending to something that deserved more. He deserved more.

I have never been good with goodbyes.

claustrophobia

I never had a problem with tight spaces until I met you. You made my life so goddamn unbreathable. You, with your phone calls and your line of questions. You placed me in front of the grave , I'm down, buried under everything I never got to answer because you knew. You already knew. You thought you knew, so you buried me. But you didn't know. And now I'm underground, closed in by particles and dirt, and it's not unlike being with you, because you were like that, so close that I couldn't breathe. So maybe suffocating here is better than in your arms but I don't think so. I think you made yourself insufferable, I think you got so near because you wanted to drive me away, and I think you left me before you let me speak because you did know. You knew, but you needed to pretend that it was me not you who couldn't stand small place. And the thing is that I could, until you shot me down and I got trapped under the weight of everything but your lips. It was when they left that I fell into this pit.