count down to sorrow

today, i looked myself in the eye and asked "is this even worth it?"

should i keep holding my breath and wait for it all to drop? should i keep my mouth shut? because some good that seems to be doing.

eventually you have to realize that people don't talk to same way you do. they don't think, feel, cope, understand in the same depths. perhaps he meant well. and maybe he would return, somewhere farther down the line. but i couldn't hope forever, could i?

i couldn't keep convincing my body that it should wait for a promise that may never come. i needed to move on, to continue with life and know that for one single month i knew what happiness was. and that that was all about to end. i needed to inhale the pain sharply and know that exhaling may feel like daggers until i was myself again. alone again. disconnected from that part of the human experience

This Part was for Her

i wouldn't wait for him to come rescue me out of this life. i didn't need saving. i never had. i wasn't the damsel in distress type. if i was, he would have never wanted me so badly in the first place. i knew my place in this world, and i wasn't afraid. i don't really remember the last time i was afraid of anything that had to do with life. living i could do. alone, together, connected. i could do all of that.

my problem was convincing myself that i did need someone. that needing someone was a woman's job. it's ridiculous and untrue (i'm quite aware of that) but my independence seemed to be becoming more and more outlandish with each passing day. and i began to think that it was what was doing me in--- keeping me (dare i say...) single.

obviously, i talked myself out of that one.

Another confession, the same person

My Late Night Confessional.

I’m writing to you because on nights like this, I wonder if the brightest stars look at your smile as a point of reference, if the moon isn’t sitting up in his place in the sky laughing at this girl who is asking God about how it feels to be head over heels in love, if he snickers at the sight of me pouring out my emotions in a poem only because of the loneliness crushing my bones and strangling my lungs solely for the fact that I couldn’t do you the decency of knowing you… of waking up next to you…that I couldn’t experience that moment of joy in your heart when you find out that my heartbeat reminded you of the lullaby your mother used to sing before bedtime, that the suns in my eyes didn’t have to set before you just yet…
This isn’t an apology, it’s a confessional…where I can confess that, if I could, I would take some of your body heat and store it in a jar, so that when I need to be reminded that I’m not alone, I’d open it and it would envelope me and hold me close just like you would if you found yourself sleeping next to me, and I’d curl up within it knowing that I slept with you that night…
This is not an apology, this is a confessional…where I can confess that I don’t think that there’s a minute in each day where I don’t think about the way your fingers would feel against my lips when I kiss them, or how that picture we took of us together on my phone is the only one I think I look beautiful in because it’d be the only one I look happy in because you’d make me happy, so fucking happy, I would dance with you in the pouring rain under pounding thunder and crashing lightning because you’d make me fearless, and sometimes I feel like life without you would just be a collection of blurred romances and unrequited love…
This is not an apology, this is a confessional…where I can admit that I’m afraid of myself because I would love you and love scares me and the thought of being in love scares me, the idea of being in love with you so much it’s hard not to just be taken away by your beauty, to not want to be selfish and claim you for myself, to be genuinely shaken to the core at the thought of being without you for too long…
This isn’t an apology, this is a confessional…where I can confess that every single vibration my phone gets me excited because it could be you, where I can confess that yes, I’m in love with the girl with moons in her eyes and constellations in her smile and that every time she tells me she loves me, there’s that small amount of hope in me that says maybe she loves you the way you love her, but I know it’s not so because she’s not ready for that…I don’t know what was trying to be accomplished by this but I guess I’m just hoping the God in me will be able to find you ..

2012

To Last Year Crush,

Everyone told me to not get too attached. It's only for last year, they said. Don't make it harder to say goodbye than it has to be. I couldn't help it, though. I fell for you too fast- too hard. Now I'm back in the real world, and I don’t know where you are, perhaps 1000 miles away from me. I try so hard to keep myself from talking to you- it will only make things worse- but how could I ever forget you? I can't even fall asleep without hearing you call my name from the bottom of my flat. Hard to believe that what seems like the days we have spent apart have really only been a few months. I only knew you for one month, but even our first week together I liked you more than I ever thought I could like someone. This distance is slowly eating away at me. If I don't talk to you soon I might just melt away...

Missing you so much it hurts

missed

Dear Quick Love,

Stalked you on Facebook the other day, hardcore. Big mistake. Her name, her face, her age, I can see it all- it's the girl you're hooking up with. I look on your wall and I see posts from her friends. I look at your pictures and I see you smile with her happily. She's really... pretty. And I resent you for it and her and the fact that I still like you yet feel like you will never like me the same way. But then I think, haven't I hooked up with other guys? Liked  other guys, even? But I still always remember you, like you, wait for you, in that same little place in the back of my mind; as if I packed my feelings for you in a box and placed them in the attic for safekeeping. Is that how you feel too? Who am I kidding? Guess it's about time I got a reality check and realized there's a reason why they call it "quick love"... silly me, thinking I could make it last all year long. 

sincerely

i miss you

intrigued

Dear Buddy,

I am so into you and I'm not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

Every time we meet I learn something new about you, but it isn't enough for me to get a good read on you.

I know you are a good person, I know you are unbelievably sweet but I know absolutely nothing else.

I want to know.

I crave it.

Maybe, I'm craving you.

and it's all because you are so damn intriguing.

So mysterious.

So... Buddy.

So please, keep coming around me so that I can learn these things about you.

Or maybe you could just speed up the process and ask me to dinner.

It doesn't have to be a date.. I mean I like food, you like food it just seems like a good idea.

Sincerely,

Someone who hopes to see you again... very soon.

The Reason I like you ?

Because it’s you. 

Just you. 

That’s the only reason.

I wish I knew. 

Then I could figure out how to stop liking you.

If I can’t avoid it, I only want one thing — to stay as a friend who doesn't change.

for heartache— for love

glimmer of hope: anggap aku satu dari seribu →

Anggaplah aku satu dari seribu.

Jika orang lain mencintaimu dengan mengejarmu, aku hanya bisa tersenyum seraya menunduk kepadamu, bergurau dengan canda tawa di hadapanmu demi menutupi wajahku yang merona merah…menutupi diriku yang sesungguhnya sangat salah tingkah ketika bersamamu.

Anggaplah aku satu dari seribu.

Jika orang lain mencintaimu dengan mengejarmu, aku hanya bisa mengirimkan beberapa sms semangat, yang kemudian kuhentikan karena merasa ada yang tidak benar dengan mengirimkan sms-sms itu…sejujurnya jari-jariku ini terasa gatal tiap kali aku membuka kontak di ponselku dan melihat namamu ada di dalamnya.

Anggaplah aku satu dari seribu.

Jika orang lain mencintaimu dengan mengejarmu, semakin hari aku semakin takut berada di dekatmu, aku menahan diriku agar dapat sejarang mungkin berkomunikasi denganmu…kemudian aku perlahan menjauh, ketika hatiku mulai bergemuruh hanya dengan melihat sosokmu, ketika mataku senantiasa menemukan dirimu, tak peduli ada berapa banyak orang di sekitar kita, tak peduli seberapa jauh jarak antara aku dan kamu.

Anggaplah aku satu dari seribu.

Jika orang lain mencintaimu dengan mengejarmu, aku mulai gelisah…dan aku mulai menceritakan tentangmu kepada Sang Pembolak-balik hati, kutitipkan hati dan harapanku kepadaNya…lalu kusebutkan namamu di tiap do’a dalam sujud-sujudku, dan tak ada satupun do’a yang memohonkan agar aku bisa memilikimu, semua do’aku tiada lain senantiasa dan selalu…agar kamu menemukan kebahagiaan dalam hidupmu.

dengan cara itulah aku mencintaimu,

Tuhaaan, ini jujur sekali :”)

cr. therayofhopeandprayer