a farewell to YOU. 2014

you left me sad

even though i told myself you wouldn't

i've still been fooling myself into believing that

none of this can touch me

but it does

i melted into you

and got used to the taste of my words

coming from your mouth

sometimes i think i wished you up

but i should have wished for longer

for the nights to go forever

and the mornings, stretched into eternity

a pot of coffee, fresh on the windowsill

you have a way of making me

completely terrified and completely comfortable

you're a walking paradox

and no matter how long i look

you still surprise me

we're robots, the two of us

only, i'm afraid you're better

because you left me sad

when i told myself you couldn't.

S

i'm so done

there's an important difference between relying on people and depending on them; it'd be wise to understand it. one could always find people to rely on. people who made you stronger in their presence. people who made you work towards a better you. your roots would be planted firmly in the ground, intermingled. they would be of good moral stature, sturdy build, wise tongue. you would be able to feel your wings outstretching toward the heavens.

those you depend on though, they never make for a solid foundation. you learn to grow around them rather than together, often times you just don't see it until it's much too late. they make you weak and doubtful. you learn to use their opinion as your own. suddenly, you see your face in the mirror and realize it is not your own any longer. your eyes weary, face sunken, soul fleeting. when did this happen? you question. when did i become so empty?

I'm Giving Upon You

a letter to you

i love you

and i know that you're going to look at me and tell me that that's not so because it's too soon, but it is. i love people, not because i get all caught up in the flowers and the presents and being able to say "oh yes, he is my boyfriend." i love people because they deserve to be cherished. they deserve to be held when they're sad or they're happy or they just don't know. they deserve to be heard and spoken to with kindness. i love people because to like them never seems good enough. and i chose to love you because regardless of what you've chosen. i don't just mean that you've introduced me to new things and made me more adventurous but you've made me love gently and whole-heartedly. you've opened me up in a way that no one has accomplished before and at least I shud be grateful for that.

i can't come see you and spend the day because it will never be enough for me. because i too am a person and i deserve more love than you are ready to give and that's okay. i won't suddenly hate you for that or love you any less. i won't stop being there for you or stop holding you when you're sad or happy or you just don't know. i just can't stop loving myself less to make you feel like this is enough. you can't love someone halfway. so in loving both you and myself fully, it's my turn to choose and it hurts my heart to say it, but i will not stay and watch you tear yourself apart from the inside out. i cannot stay while i feel you trying to force me out of your mind to make leaving easier. one day soon, you will have to go and i was prepared for that. i was prepared to say goodbye because i knew that leaving was something that we had discussed, but you've been leaving since the day you brought this up. you've been packing away the memories and storing them in a dark corner of your mind. you've been repacking your heart for fear of it being damaged on the journey.

i understand all of this, because i've been there, but having to say inevitable goodbyes has taught me to live here, in the present, every single moment of the day. so i'm not thinking of months from now. i'm not thinking about how i'll feel two months and one day from now or six months from now or a year from now. i'm only thinking of this very moment, of holding you just like this, right now. i'm thinking about how much this hurts like hell but how worth it everything up to this exact second has been. i'm thinking about how beautiful you are to me and for me, that much is enough

dear friend

I'm still praying to a God I'm not totally convinced in that you'll find your way home. That you'll walk in from this longwinded joke; a sideways grin overtop your apology.

I hate how longwinded you've let this joke get.

I hate how the last time I saw you I cut it short to go read a book when I should have gone down to the ocean with you.

I hate how people use past tense to talk about your smile now. How your embraces were enough to turn a bad day into something magic. How your laugh was the centerpiece in a crowded room.

Everyday is full of you, but it's an empty-full. You left, and yet, I'm not sure how to rid of you from everything I see and touch and hear.

You left and we're all trying to live without the sun but it's gotten a little too cold to bear.

Please come home now.

I have never been good with goodbyes.

I felt how I imagined it would when I left: nothing. "Goodbye forever" on my lips. I've joked around with words like that, but he's the first person I've meant them to.

We knew this from the start: end of november. We knew the inevitable forever-goodbye would be coming. So when I said those words and walked out, I felt the nothingness I had prepared myself to feel.

I wasn't prepared to feel the way I did after, though.

A feeling, so raw and... so terrible sad. A surprise of emotion. I guess it hit me, differently, when I realized it was real. When I realized I that my half-hearted hug and his forehead kiss were the last exchange we would ever have. A pathetic ending to something that deserved more. He deserved more.

I have never been good with goodbyes.

claustrophobia

I never had a problem with tight spaces until I met you. You made my life so goddamn unbreathable. You, with your phone calls and your line of questions. You placed me in front of the grave , I'm down, buried under everything I never got to answer because you knew. You already knew. You thought you knew, so you buried me. But you didn't know. And now I'm underground, closed in by particles and dirt, and it's not unlike being with you, because you were like that, so close that I couldn't breathe. So maybe suffocating here is better than in your arms but I don't think so. I think you made yourself insufferable, I think you got so near because you wanted to drive me away, and I think you left me before you let me speak because you did know. You knew, but you needed to pretend that it was me not you who couldn't stand small place. And the thing is that I could, until you shot me down and I got trapped under the weight of everything but your lips. It was when they left that I fell into this pit.

count down to sorrow

today, i looked myself in the eye and asked "is this even worth it?"

should i keep holding my breath and wait for it all to drop? should i keep my mouth shut? because some good that seems to be doing.

eventually you have to realize that people don't talk to same way you do. they don't think, feel, cope, understand in the same depths. perhaps he meant well. and maybe he would return, somewhere farther down the line. but i couldn't hope forever, could i?

i couldn't keep convincing my body that it should wait for a promise that may never come. i needed to move on, to continue with life and know that for one single month i knew what happiness was. and that that was all about to end. i needed to inhale the pain sharply and know that exhaling may feel like daggers until i was myself again. alone again. disconnected from that part of the human experience