count down to sorrow

today, i looked myself in the eye and asked "is this even worth it?"

should i keep holding my breath and wait for it all to drop? should i keep my mouth shut? because some good that seems to be doing.

eventually you have to realize that people don't talk to same way you do. they don't think, feel, cope, understand in the same depths. perhaps he meant well. and maybe he would return, somewhere farther down the line. but i couldn't hope forever, could i?

i couldn't keep convincing my body that it should wait for a promise that may never come. i needed to move on, to continue with life and know that for one single month i knew what happiness was. and that that was all about to end. i needed to inhale the pain sharply and know that exhaling may feel like daggers until i was myself again. alone again. disconnected from that part of the human experience

This Part was for Her

i wouldn't wait for him to come rescue me out of this life. i didn't need saving. i never had. i wasn't the damsel in distress type. if i was, he would have never wanted me so badly in the first place. i knew my place in this world, and i wasn't afraid. i don't really remember the last time i was afraid of anything that had to do with life. living i could do. alone, together, connected. i could do all of that.

my problem was convincing myself that i did need someone. that needing someone was a woman's job. it's ridiculous and untrue (i'm quite aware of that) but my independence seemed to be becoming more and more outlandish with each passing day. and i began to think that it was what was doing me in--- keeping me (dare i say...) single.

obviously, i talked myself out of that one.

Another confession, the same person

My Late Night Confessional.

I’m writing to you because on nights like this, I wonder if the brightest stars look at your smile as a point of reference, if the moon isn’t sitting up in his place in the sky laughing at this girl who is asking God about how it feels to be head over heels in love, if he snickers at the sight of me pouring out my emotions in a poem only because of the loneliness crushing my bones and strangling my lungs solely for the fact that I couldn’t do you the decency of knowing you… of waking up next to you…that I couldn’t experience that moment of joy in your heart when you find out that my heartbeat reminded you of the lullaby your mother used to sing before bedtime, that the suns in my eyes didn’t have to set before you just yet…
This isn’t an apology, it’s a confessional…where I can confess that, if I could, I would take some of your body heat and store it in a jar, so that when I need to be reminded that I’m not alone, I’d open it and it would envelope me and hold me close just like you would if you found yourself sleeping next to me, and I’d curl up within it knowing that I slept with you that night…
This is not an apology, this is a confessional…where I can confess that I don’t think that there’s a minute in each day where I don’t think about the way your fingers would feel against my lips when I kiss them, or how that picture we took of us together on my phone is the only one I think I look beautiful in because it’d be the only one I look happy in because you’d make me happy, so fucking happy, I would dance with you in the pouring rain under pounding thunder and crashing lightning because you’d make me fearless, and sometimes I feel like life without you would just be a collection of blurred romances and unrequited love…
This is not an apology, this is a confessional…where I can admit that I’m afraid of myself because I would love you and love scares me and the thought of being in love scares me, the idea of being in love with you so much it’s hard not to just be taken away by your beauty, to not want to be selfish and claim you for myself, to be genuinely shaken to the core at the thought of being without you for too long…
This isn’t an apology, this is a confessional…where I can confess that every single vibration my phone gets me excited because it could be you, where I can confess that yes, I’m in love with the girl with moons in her eyes and constellations in her smile and that every time she tells me she loves me, there’s that small amount of hope in me that says maybe she loves you the way you love her, but I know it’s not so because she’s not ready for that…I don’t know what was trying to be accomplished by this but I guess I’m just hoping the God in me will be able to find you ..

2012

To Last Year Crush,

Everyone told me to not get too attached. It's only for last year, they said. Don't make it harder to say goodbye than it has to be. I couldn't help it, though. I fell for you too fast- too hard. Now I'm back in the real world, and I don’t know where you are, perhaps 1000 miles away from me. I try so hard to keep myself from talking to you- it will only make things worse- but how could I ever forget you? I can't even fall asleep without hearing you call my name from the bottom of my flat. Hard to believe that what seems like the days we have spent apart have really only been a few months. I only knew you for one month, but even our first week together I liked you more than I ever thought I could like someone. This distance is slowly eating away at me. If I don't talk to you soon I might just melt away...

Missing you so much it hurts

missed

Dear Quick Love,

Stalked you on Facebook the other day, hardcore. Big mistake. Her name, her face, her age, I can see it all- it's the girl you're hooking up with. I look on your wall and I see posts from her friends. I look at your pictures and I see you smile with her happily. She's really... pretty. And I resent you for it and her and the fact that I still like you yet feel like you will never like me the same way. But then I think, haven't I hooked up with other guys? Liked  other guys, even? But I still always remember you, like you, wait for you, in that same little place in the back of my mind; as if I packed my feelings for you in a box and placed them in the attic for safekeeping. Is that how you feel too? Who am I kidding? Guess it's about time I got a reality check and realized there's a reason why they call it "quick love"... silly me, thinking I could make it last all year long. 

sincerely

i miss you

intrigued

Dear Buddy,

I am so into you and I'm not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

Every time we meet I learn something new about you, but it isn't enough for me to get a good read on you.

I know you are a good person, I know you are unbelievably sweet but I know absolutely nothing else.

I want to know.

I crave it.

Maybe, I'm craving you.

and it's all because you are so damn intriguing.

So mysterious.

So... Buddy.

So please, keep coming around me so that I can learn these things about you.

Or maybe you could just speed up the process and ask me to dinner.

It doesn't have to be a date.. I mean I like food, you like food it just seems like a good idea.

Sincerely,

Someone who hopes to see you again... very soon.

The Reason I like you ?

Because it’s you. 

Just you. 

That’s the only reason.

I wish I knew. 

Then I could figure out how to stop liking you.

If I can’t avoid it, I only want one thing — to stay as a friend who doesn't change.

for heartache— for love

so piss off.

so piss off.

I don't miss anyone &that's a fucking huge lie. Of course I miss that person, probably much more than I should. Screw this, can't help it. Everywhere I look; memories come back & haunt me. It's fucking sad. That feeling which keeps on lingering even you don’t want it to. Not even one bit.

How pathetic.

But in the end, I'm not regretting it, not at all.

As I've never regret making any choices in my life.

*****

When I gazed into your eyes, it was then when I realized I didn't know you at all. 

I’m not one of those girls who get blessed with a boy who loves me deeply and crazily like their first. I always find myself ending up in situations where I’m the tiring girl who is appreciated, looked at with a sympathetic heart. I know I will never be the kind of girlfriend whose boyfriend puts before anything, or gets thought about throughout the day.

 I know It sounds awfully rash but so what ?

memoir

To be honest, I had a crush on you for almost a year, while our little sparkle lasted much shorter than that. Gotta admit, it was foolish of me to do that. We used to be so very close, but now we don't even care about each other's existence anymore. I guess you wasn't the one that I hoped you would be. But in the end, we had moments that were very sweet and cute.
And now...

you're nothing but faded memories

Thankyou and Goodbye.

Don't ever expect me to talk to you again. I hate you so much although I still need you in my life. Please stop using me; yet expect so much from me at the same time. When was the last time you listened to my problems?  Yeah,exactly. And, we have not talked for the last few days.To be honest, for the first time in such a long time.

I finally feel at ease.

Anyways,
I have been so fucking sick and tired lately.
I have also not been doing any homework as well.
FFS, screwed to the max, geegee.

And,

I know what I need to do now,
stop over-thinking.

still wonderin '

If we're apart for a long period of time would we still know each other's hearts?? At the midpoint of love and separation, who are we standing on top of it? Who should be the one forgiving, who should be the one loving and who should be the one that should be hurting?

I've grown up to be more and more attached to you. My happiness is when I'm with you fooling around in the silliest ways, or talking about the nerdiest things ever, or simply watching you do some stupid stuff just to make me laugh. Unfortunately, you're too busy having fun all by yourself and your new life. Every single freaking day, I wake up early to wait and wait. For what? To see you come school and tell about your lovey-dovey-girl. That is what I do every single fucking day. Wait, get pushed away and wait. Every now and then, you would remember that I still exist, so you would tell me to accompany you to find a good stuff to your lovey-dovey. You know very gooddamn well that I can never choose the best, because it comes up with your choice again. Right now, you're the most important person to me.
So why, for fuck sakes. Why is it that you can't spend some fucking time with me anymore? I miss the old days, where I'm just a kid and you would spend the entire day to play with me. Don't tell me that I've changed. I've just gotten older; you are the one who has changed. To be a stranger to me.

So tonight, although I've cried and will continue to cry until I fall asleep. Tomorrow, I won't even wait for you. I will detach myself from you and grow up. Better for you & me.

I thought about you again today. There is nothing that can stop me from thinking about you. Even if I tried to pretend like I'm interested in someone else. At the end of the day, you're still the one that I missed the most.

"Don’t ever love, heartbreak will surely come.
It hurts to even breathe.

I thought that this would only hurt as much as I loved.

But I was wrong. It hurts a thousand times more"

- 'Don't Love', Lee Hong Ki

You don't care about me anymore because
you've probably got a new chick to follow after.
Stop making stupid excuses. I'm not that naive.

Dear someone that I hold very close to my heart

One moment, you make me fly to heaven then the next moment, you push me down to hell.

But in the end, it is just me who is making a mess out of everything

We both make mistakes, but now I think about it

I never once apologized to you.

Up until now, I have always called you a kid

But I realized that, i'm also just a kid at heart

And I just wanna say...

I'm Sorry

I know you care but my foolish mind keep telling me otherwise,

And I promise that I’ll tell you about my feelings from now on, well I’ll try...

there he goes again

Confession, yes i lied to you. But it was only to have you.

“There he goes again, the boy I’m in love with

It’s cool we’re just friend”

I know you got a girlfriend,

Another girl

Another girl by your side

Someone who hopefully treats you right

But you don’t know how much I wish I was….

Your girlfriend

You will always a BOY FRIEND

Never a BOYFRIEND

“I wish people could know that other people

 admire them from afar”

She’s expected too much. Yes, know one like her in this holy world. Such a stupid things. She always thinks it everyday. There’s more than meets the eye. The way you talk, the way her heart beats. Are you sure we’re not in love? Or maybe it’s just her feelin’. She always believed what she saw. Until she learned to believe what she feel. She’s afraid. Actually she knew it already. She knew it so impossible. It would never happen to her. Never ever!

That’s why love is madness. It’s too easy to lose your mind when you lose your heart. She always begs to you. “Oh gods~ please stop him. I can’t stand any longer” “I’m begging you please, stop sharing your story, stop talkin bout your fuckin pretty girl”. She appreciates what you did, but would you mind if you not talk about it every single moment we ever spent.

She really hates it. YES! FOR GOD’s SAKE really hate it for sure!

You know what, your ‘thanks’ always hurt her. Every single text and call, you always put your ‘thanks’ and it really hurts. You ignore her, but she likes you. You do nothing, but she falls for you. She misses you, but you’re not thinking about her.

See? life isn’t fair rite T.T

Don’t you realize that this girl always be there for you?

This stupid girl always supports you?

This stupid girl keep motivate you in every single day?

This stupid girl keep listen your story about those fuckin’ pretty girl even her heart torn into pieces? *don’t you realize*

If only I could make him understand

If I never knew you, if I never felt this love before

YAH~!!!!

Stop finding the perfect one!

It’s so impossible. She always hopes that one day you will know. Stop finding the perfect one cause it’s not last forever. Just find ‘the right’ one and make it ‘perfect’. She always hopes that you and her are meant to be.*such a nuts*

Build castles in the air.

You’re the reason why she stays here!

“Every single thing you ever did that bothered me is every single thing I miss”

NO! She tried her best to burst this (love) curse, but HELL yeah, she can’t. She is pretending. Pretend not to love you. Not to heart you. She is hiding her true feeling.The hardest thing of being a friend with someone she loves = she can’t be jealous openly.

The best kind of love is doing what's best for someone else even if it hurts.

Sometimes, we know we can stay away from the pain, but we realize we love those people too much for us to go away

It feels like you or the world will never change. But I've seen you change. It’s tough when someone special starts to ignore you, but it’s EVEN tougher to pretend that you don’t mind when you really do. But, don’t worry. She always tried her best. You only lived in her world.

Only when we lose them, we realize how valuable and precious the things that we have owned.

She doesn’t want it happen. She doesn’t want to leave you. That’s why; she still keeps you on her mind. Maybe FOREVER.

That’s what friends are for *she whispered*

There’s nothing wrong in keeping a secret if telling the truth will hurt you

“Forgive me for loving you too much; I’ll forgive

you for not loving me enough”

You are the best damn thing that my eyes have ever seen.

Technically, I’m single. Emotionally, I’m taken cause in my heart, I’ll always be his girl even if he doesn’t know it at all.

credit :@riotamaputra

re edited by @heyhestyy

there he goes again

Confession, yes i lied to you. But it was only to have you.

“There he goes again, the boy I’m in love with

It’s cool we’re just friend”

I know you got a girlfriend,

Another girl

Another girl by your side

Someone who hopefully treats you right

But you don’t know how much I wish I was….

Your girlfriend

You will always a BOY FRIEND

Never a BOYFRIEND

“I wish people could know that other people

 admire them from afar”

She’s expected too much. Yes, know one like her in this holy world. Such a stupid things. She always thinks it everyday. There’s more than meets the eye. The way you talk, the way her heart beats. Are you sure we’re not in love? Or maybe it’s just her feelin’. She always believed what she saw. Until she learned to believe what she feel. She’s afraid. Actually she knew it already. She knew it so impossible. It would never happen to her. Never ever!

That’s why love is madness. It’s too easy to lose your mind when you lose your heart. She always begs to you. “Oh gods~ please stop him. I can’t stand any longer” “I’m begging you please, stop sharing your story, stop talkin bout your fuckin pretty girl”. She appreciates what you did, but would you mind if you not talk about it every single moment we ever spent.

She really hates it. YES! FOR GOD’s SAKE really hate it for sure!

You know what, your ‘thanks’ always hurt her. Every single text and call, you always put your ‘thanks’ and it really hurts. You ignore her, but she likes you. You do nothing, but she falls for you. She misses you, but you’re not thinking about her.

See? life isn’t fair rite T.T

Don’t you realize that this girl always be there for you?

This stupid girl always supports you?

This stupid girl keep motivate you in every single day?

This stupid girl keep listen your story about those fuckin’ pretty girl even her heart torn into pieces? *don’t you realize*

If only I could make him understand

If I never knew you, if I never felt this love before

YAH~!!!!

Stop finding the perfect one!

It’s so impossible. She always hopes that one day you will know. Stop finding the perfect one cause it’s not last forever. Just find ‘the right’ one and make it ‘perfect’. She always hopes that you and her are meant to be.*such a nuts*

Build castles in the air.

You’re the reason why she stays here!

“Every single thing you ever did that bothered me is every single thing I miss”

NO! She tried her best to burst this (love) curse, but HELL yeah, she can’t. She is pretending. Pretend not to love you. Not to heart you. She is hiding her true feeling.The hardest thing of being a friend with someone she loves = she can’t be jealous openly.

The best kind of love is doing what's best for someone else even if it hurts.

Sometimes, we know we can stay away from the pain, but we realize we love those people too much for us to go away

It feels like you or the world will never change. But I've seen you change. It’s tough when someone special starts to ignore you, but it’s EVEN tougher to pretend that you don’t mind when you really do. But, don’t worry. She always tried her best. You only lived in her world.

Only when we lose them, we realize how valuable and precious the things that we have owned.

She doesn’t want it happen. She doesn’t want to leave you. That’s why; she still keeps you on her mind. Maybe FOREVER.

That’s what friends are for *she whispered*

There’s nothing wrong in keeping a secret if telling the truth will hurt you

“Forgive me for loving you too much; I’ll forgive

you for not loving me enough”

You are the best damn thing that my eyes have ever seen.

Technically, I’m single. Emotionally, I’m taken cause in my heart, I’ll always be his girl even if he doesn’t know it at all.

credit :@riotamaputra

re edited by @heyhestyy